So I decided to spend a bit of the thanksgiving holidays catching up on a few Nigerian home videos, thanks to onlinenigeria.com I had a bit of a problem choosing one I felt would be worthy of a waste of 1hr.
Since Chioma Akpota happens to be my favorite actress I chose to sit through a movie titled “Price of Peace” . . . the title should have been a red flag, only Nigerian movies have such ridiculous story book titles.
I was surprised not to see Desmond Elliot on the line-up of actors; seems no movie can be made without him playing some role. Uche Jombo? If you want a movie with plenty of noise making, aimless theatrics and the stereotypical malevolent in-law then she’s all yours.

Oh I was going to describe the movie . . . perhaps you have even seen the same storyline a million times over with different or misleading titles. A rich boy with a mother (who happens to be a widow) and younger sister marries a wife. For no reason at all the “boy” and his wife still live under the same roof with his mother even though he is rich enough to afford his own apartment… the mother and sister hate the wife (don’t ask me why), the boy has an accident somewhere along the unintelligible and disjointed storyline, he gets paralyzed from the neck down but shockingly does not require a breathing tube!!
He gets depressed and commits suicide!
THE END!

There, I’m surprised it took the movie producers 2 CDs to tell us all I just summarized in 7 lines. Don’t ask me how all the females managed to keep the same hairstyle for up to 3 yrs and still look decent . . . I’m still trying very hard to console myself for having sat through all that mumbo jumbo. At least the mallam gateman provided some moments of rib-splitting comedy in an otherwise hopelessly uninspiring movie.

This is not to say that all Nollywood (there we can’t even be original!) movies are crap, but you’d be hard pressed to find one good one in a collection of 100. I’ll let you in on one secret . . . those of you wasting your money on sleep medication should just get one home video around bed time. . . you’d be fast asleep within 15mins! Just make sure you pay me for that tip.

I watched with morbid glee as Croatia finally condemned England to the 2nd tier of world football with a clinical 3-2 defeat infront of over 88,000 fans at the hallowed grounds of Wembley.
The pelting rain might have been an ominous sign, it certainly washed away every single delusion that England have anything close to “world class” players. All I saw on show yesterday where a group of headless chickens and gutless athletes more interested in “covering every blade of grass” than passing the ball correctly.

However we can’t blame the English for their own woes, I have decided to come up with several reasons why England failed to make it to Euro 2008.

Croatia – Why did they have to play so well since they had already qualified?
Andorra – Why couldn’t they score against the Russians?
The linesman – he should have flagged the second Croatian goal offside.
The pitch – it was too muddy for “world class” English players.
The pressure – It was to blame for Carson’s school boy error.
Foreign players – They prevent future English “talent” from gaining “experience”.
Arsenal – Not one English player in the lineup?
Wenger – He hates English players.

There! I’m sure you can come up with even better reasons; just make sure to blame everyone else but those responsible for the calamity befalling English football!

When i was in elementary school we used to dream of health, food, housing, clothing, education... everything for all by the year 2000. Each time NEPA plunged us into another night of darkness plagued by mosquitoes, we took solace in the magical ability of the year 2000 to wipe away our sorrows. Anytime we had to sit at home because of prolonged strikes, we looked forward to a time when teachers salaries would be promptly paid and we would have free lunch in school...

7 yrs after the year that was meant to turn our deserts into flowing gardens, we are left with clutching at empty promises, dashed hopes and false dreams. A few weeks ago our kleptocratic leaders were busy angling for the rights to host the commonwealth games in the year 2014 allegedly on our behalf. While they were busy promising the world roads paved with gold in Sri Lanka, we the people they claimed to represent were trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered dreams. We knew the games were not about us... it was simply an opportunity for them to fleece the treasury through phoney contracts, outrageous estacodes and one more avenue to provide jobs for retired politicians like Yakubu Gowon.

Now that the entire world has seen through our deciet and rightly awarded the hosting rights to the more deserving city of Glasgow, we the people have finally come up with a better plan; good governance 2014!
It is about time we the people hosted good roads, uninterrupted power supply, health care, good education, jobs, security of lives and property, housing and food for all by the year 2014. Surely the "wise men" who drew the roadmap for the ill-fated commonwealth games bid would be able to channel their energies to making sure we the people they love so much are taken care of first.

Until we can provide for ourselves we have no right to demand to host tournaments that we are not sure of winning since we never prepare anyway... we spend too much money planning to host that we forget to plan to win.
Let our officials stop whinning about Africa's turn to host anything... let someone remind them that it is Africa's turn to host peace and development first!

Last friday during a lecture on vaccines, the professor boldly indicated NIGERIA as the one country in the world where polio is YET to be eradicated. I felt so ashamed to be a Nigerian that day. On what grounds could i have convinced the audience that day that indeed blacks are intelligent?
I am of the belief that God must have created us more for comic relief and to provide free labour and a willing gullible market for imported goods.If our continent was to experience 1/10th of the earthquakes, floods, tsunamis and wild fires that other nations face we would long have ceased to exist. Ordinary bar beach overflowing its banks and the entire VI comes to a standstill. . . and yet we claim to be intelligent.

Our governors are routinely guests of the police in foreign countries, the presidential jet is now known to be used as a means of laundering illegally acquired wealth . . . while the British can boast of the likes of Winston Churchill, all we have to show for 8 yrs of "democracy" is Andy Uba and Alhaji Adedibu!
The Greeks gave us democracy, we have given the world 419 and amala politics!

200,000 blacks in Darfur have been killed, millions displaced while our leaders fold their arms waiting for the EU and UN to provide funds and peacekeeping troops . . . and we disagree with Watson
Zimbabwe holds the world record for the highest rate of inflation recorded, Mugabe has just signed a law that will give him the powers to choose a successor. Somalia has remained a lawless piece of land since 1991 with no end in sight to the bloodletting . . . and we claim to be intelligent!
Our leaders run to London anytime they sprain their knees, tummy tucks are now the favorite past time of those we call leaders, others renovate new houses with N628m . . . while millions of children go to school with no food in their stomachs and with trees for classrooms. . . and yet we argue that we are intelligent.

In a nation of 140million, we have only produced one university graduate for president, a hair dresser is speaker of the house of assembly and holders of dubious diplomas parade the corridors of power . . . and we cry about being intelligent.

Malaysia came here to pick oil palm seeds, today they are the world's largest producers of oil palm. Somebody will still shed crocodile tears that we are intelligent.