When former Transport Minister, Ojo Maduekwe, in a rare moment of "divinely" inspired insight urged Nigerians to consider adopting bicycles as a means of transport, not a few of us laughed him to scorn. I'm sure most must have wondered what most have possessed the man entrusted with providing Nigerians with an efficient transport system to advocate a return to the 1950s.

However with recent events, it seems Ojo may have been right afterall. The railway system has been moribund for years, our roads are no more than death traps with armed robbers and N20 police men waiting to dispatch those who miraculously survive the treacherous navigation. There is no evidence that any serious attempt at developing water transport was ever made , now our air molues that have for so long depended on God's hands to remain in the skies have finally decided they can go no further! Once the skies were the safest and our leaders could care less about our roads despite spending billions of naira awarding spurious contracts to their cronies. No governors announced a 6-day mourning period for the poor masses who died daily on our roads, Baba did not express "profound shock" anytime Lagos molues plunged into the lagoon.
Now they are in our shoes, facing the consequences of government ineptitude that we have had to live with for decades. Thanks to them, most of us cannot afford the cost of air tickets and are thus spared the honor of dying in the air. Unfortunately for them, there are no bus stops in the sky, they cannot order the pilot to "slow down" nor can they stop to change a spare tire.

When Sir Maduekwe came on board, he told us to go buy bicycles. He represents all that is wrong with our leaders. Men who lack vision and come to power with no other ideology than to provide "good governance", another meaningless weather-beaten phrase that comes in handy for clueless looters aspiring to positions of power.
These same men who ride the best of cars also encourage us to buy bicycles in the face of rising fuel costs in the name of "painful reforms". As usual, heads will roll, the government will order another potential dust-gathering investigative report. The minister of aviation will go through unproductive rounds of meetings, money will be shared in the name of seeking solutions to the frequent aircrashes and soon we shall revert to our usual complacent mode waiting for the next disaster to occur.

Now our looters/leaders can feel the pinch of "painful reforms", for once they know why there is no gain without pain. We are not so much bothered, we have been in pain for years!Besides bicycles have an excellent safety record, they do not depend on government's epileptic supply of over priced petrol, they don't require good roads, they can be parked where cows cannot get at them, they don't suffer bird strike and best of all they are affordable to the masses.
It does not matter if it takes 10 hrs to travel from Lagos to Ibadan, road transport wasnt any faster after all!

NB: New approved stickers for air molues - "the downfall of this contraption may be the end of your life"!

Ok now i've decided to go on political hiatus for a while (yeah right!) and bore you with the intimate details of my existence.
So here comes this new kid into our lab, actually a little odd cos its not often you get guys from Biochemistry working in purely Environmental Medicine labs. R is a strange kid! Last yr i remember staring at people dressed like death and being told it was in the spirit of halloween, a time to celebrate withches and wizards! Chineke! No wahala, so thank God its friday and R has organised another one of his trademark halloween parties in that his spooky house that could make a grown man pee in his pants for fear.
Thank God we did not buy the divining rods (they were just $10) the previous weekend we went ghost hunting. Not even the usually unflappable R was willing to try out if ghosts haunted his apartment or not.

The party was last night. Went great! R got this great ghoulish constume on and Sam was superman for the night. Chris was hilarious, got this superman suit that must have been made specifically for kids so he ended up doing a strip show since he complained the suit was cutting off circulation to .... na una sabi!
Jen was a black fairy (i thought fairies where white!), ah that girl's cute whatever she puts on. Of course there was a good dose of wizards and witches eating cookies and stuffing themselves with root bear! Ever seen witches and wizards scared of horror movies before? Interesting!

Ok so, what did i wear? A shirt and trouser! Chikena! Wetin concern agbero with overload! Ohh i forgot to mention there was this totally gorgeous girl there too, wow! I spent half the second movie stealing glances at her in her nice pink fairy constume and she had pink feathers in her hair to boot. Unfortuately she left before i could sprint out of the starting blocks. So here i am going chic hunting this week and hoping i can make a good catch. Hey wish me luck, and dont ask me how it went o!

Just as an aside, i heard professional elderstatesmen Shagari and Sultan Maccido were involved in the ADC airlines crash. 2 down more to follow! When will Ibrahim Marangida be involved in a plane crash too?

This was in response to a recent statement i recieved earlier:

Guys, Yarima just picked his presidential form yesterday at the ANPP headquaters and by God's grace i was there to congratulate him. i believe like in all democratic nations, everyone should be given his chance. We shall leave the final decision to God almighty for yarima is a mere mortal like you and i. Why don't we just look at his manifesto to see what he has in store.

1. Are we really in a democracy "like other democratic nations"? All other democratic nations i know of practice a PROPER FEDERATION unlike the hybrid dictato-democracy that Nigeria practices and pretends to call it a democracy. The absence of Khaki uniforms at Aso Rock is not equivalent to a democracy. Do you think Yarima believes this to be a democracy or a theocracy? Why in a democratic system of government would a governor IMPOSE a state religion on non-muslims in clear disregard to the constitution he claims to protect? When he imposes separate school fees for non-indigenes, is that indicative of a man who thinks he is in a democratic government?

2. Which "Almighty God" are we talking about here? Is God voting at the elections in 2007? If God indeed determines who rules Nigeria in 2008 then why is he bothering to pick up a nomination form? Why are we botheirng to vote? We may as well all go home and wait for God to appoint his annointed servant. When i hear the term "almighty God" especially from sleazy and hypocritical politicians i can only think of one definition for "God" - a political version of Alladin's lamp conjured up by politicians seeking to use "God" to legitimise their continued assault on the masses and the public till!

3. Do we really have to wait for his manifesto? Is the present state of Zamfara not indicative of the ineptitude of a man who has had 8yrs of doing nothing besides picking up his monthly allocation from abuja for "sharing"? Will that manifesto include the nationwide imposition of sharia and the amputation of limbs? Thanks to northern governors like Yarima, 95% of the world's polio cases for this yr have come from Nigeria!

If it takes 8 years to lay a "foundation for sustenaible development", how many years will it take to achieve that said development? As for Zacarep or Zasidev, we have heard them all before! Mere acronyms that have no bearing on the people! Mere conduit pipes for the siphoning of precious oil funds into the deep pockets of those who foist themselves illegally on the people. What of MAMSER, NEEDS, SAP, e.t.c.? Of what value where they to us?

Fellow Nigerians,

In the face of recent developments in Ekiti state, it has become expedient for me to issue this press statement to explain my alleged complicity in the unbridled looting of the Ekiti state treasury by Ex-Governor Ayodele Fayose.You will recall that a few months ago, one certain Alamieseigha attributed his “miraculous escape” from British justice to me. Let me state emphatically that I have never met the said Alams, I do not know him and thus could not have been involved in his attempt to turn the state treasury into his private bank account.

It has also been brought to my knowledge that a certain Fayose did issue a statement and I quote "I want (those plotting to remove me) to know that the God I serve would definitely put them to shame because their gathering is not of God and it would be scattered." However, on checking our records, we can state categorically that no one by the name of Ayodele Fayose exists on our service roll. We indeed are doing our very best to rid our force of ghost servants. I do not know the said Fayose and no such gathering has been bought to my notice. We also have it on record that the said Fayose tried to portray his alleged persecution in the same light as that suffered by my favorite son Joseph in the hands of Potiphar. I hereby declare that I have no knowledge of his purported persecution neither did I give him a coat of many colours. I did not send any dreams to him neither is he imbued with the gift of interpreting dreams!

The said Fayose also states correctly that I have a purpose for everything, while I acknowledge that as true, I hereby declare that his recent travails have nothing to do with any purpose of mine regarding his being caught with his hands In the cookie jar! Let it be known that anyone who fought the said Fayose did not fight me as he claims but was fighting him and his father the devil.

Let me also state that not all those who quote bible verses are my servants. Even their father the devil can quote the bible flawlessly. As for those who are endlessly "waiting on me" before deciding to foist themselves illegally on the masses for another unconstitutional term in office, i hereby state categorically that i do not know them, I refuse to continue to be used as a political houseboy by mischievous politicians attempting to use my name to legitimise their continued assault on the Nigerian masses.

Signed
Gabriel

On Behalf of HIS EXCELLENCY
I AM THAT I AM!

Who do we vote for?
Rogues, theives, bandits and looters who take the name of God in vain?Do we vote for those who take pride in "cancelling" the will of the people due to mysterious "prevailing circumstances"?Do our votes really count? what stops godfathers from removing our (s)elected representatives as soon as they can't get their filthy hands in the public till?

We keep registering to vote and yet 40 yrs on we are yet to reap the fruits of our votes. Are they listening to our voices at the PDP? Of what value is our vote when strange faces pervade the political landscape flaunting their stolen mandates as having come from the people! Why should we vote when those clamouring for our votes are only interested in reaping the dividends of a democracy that is not clearly for the people?

Why vote when those we need to vote for are intimidated, hounded by the EFCC or mysteriously killed by "armed robbers"? Why vote when it is the same old recycled faces who purport to hold the key to our greatness?

Who indeed do we vote for? Athiefu Abubacha? Diego Ibrahim Marangida?

I just finished reading the article "England pick up pieces of Rooney slump" by Richard Williams and i can only come out with one conclusion; more of the English penchant for overhyping an average player. A desperate attempt by the English press to talk up the "talents" of a man they so desperately want to cast in the mould of the likes of Kaka of Brazil and Zinedine Zidane of France.

Indeed there have been those of us who were never really smitten by the Rooney bug from Everton, those of us who were wise enough to realise that merely having a great shot and being able to score were not the only hallmarks of a great player. Zidane may not score many goals for France but his overall play was so good there was a marked difference each time Les bleus marched out without him.

What is wrong with Rooney? Loss of form? I think not, with the searchlight now beamed on the "prodigious talent" that was to have been the beacon of English football, we are now begining to see what many of us had always been saying, that the man was really no better than the average English player. When many commentators tell us that "he is still too young", they forget that a certain Ronaldo also plays in the same Man U team who is a year younger than Rooney, they forget that a certain Cesc Fabregas single handedly tore United to shreds at old Trafford the last time. What of Lionel Messi, Lucas Podolski? Are they all 32?

It is high time English fans began to face the home truth, that Rooney is not as good as we all hyped him to be. He cannot dribble like Ronaldo, he does not possess the guile and footballing brain like Zidane, he does not play with the confidence of Cesc Fabregas. He is no goal poacher!
Much more can be said of other English "world class" players such as Downing, Lampard, Carrick, Terry; average players who's "skill and talent" have been blown out of proportion by the English press. Carrick costs 18 million pounds but he is yet to prove that he is any better than Kolo Toure who cost Arsenal a mere 500,000 pounds. Lampard? Need more be said about a player with a record of the highest number of deflections scored?

England must wake up and shed the toga of the "golden age", indeed this are no golden boys! A foreign coach is desperately needed, one who can pick the best 11 players on MERIT and not based on name! When Mclaren tells us that regardless of form Rooney's name is first on his team list, it is an insult to the likes of Darren Bent, Defoe and Andy Johnson who are having more impact than England's "greatest ever talent"!

For those at a loss about what gifts to give to a newly married couple, free gas gift cards are now an option.














Thanks to another feat of genius, alternative and cheaper gas sources now include perfumes!











Mathematically speaking: If wallet = W and Fuel price = F, therefore F = f/W where f is an economic constant.